After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
