I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
