I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
