I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Every concussion has its silver lining
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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