You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
