My first STD was from a foam party
if i can run in heels then i can drive
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
