Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
