Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
