My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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