wrigley field is MILF paradise
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
