i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
