I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
