Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
