remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
