Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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