i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I wish there were birth control emojis
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
