its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She's the barista slut.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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