I think I won the penis lottery.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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