i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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