I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
