I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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