I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I want her autograph on my taint
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize