Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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