Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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