if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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