i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
