this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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