btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
