Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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