I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
