I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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