dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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