I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize