I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Michael Bay diarrhea
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
