I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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