So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
