He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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