I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
