I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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