I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
