Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
the night ended with taco bell and tears
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
