My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
