My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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