I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
