non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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