mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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