I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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