yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
