I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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