i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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