Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Soap is not a condiment
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
