did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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