My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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