my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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