Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
