Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
