Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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