I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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